You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
false alarm, still single
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
