Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
