last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
