We're facebook friends in real life
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
