im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
