im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Randomize
