just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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