A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
