so that wasnt chicken after all
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
