Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
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You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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