i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
