but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
