I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Drake has all the answers
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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