I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
