a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
