Pappa wants mamma naked
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
