his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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