malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
