I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
