Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
