I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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