Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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