If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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