I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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