I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
