i think my tv is drunk
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
