What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
