Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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