sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
