he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
