I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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