is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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