I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
