I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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