My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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