i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
