If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
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Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
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Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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