I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Randomize
