i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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