If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
