Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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