have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
