I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
