If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
