I just saw a hot homeless man
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It's official drugs can't kill me
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
