Having a random hookup so left but love u
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
