Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
