i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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