I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
