And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
