yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Randomize
