i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
