My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
