I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
