Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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