i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
