just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
