We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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