I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
