I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
